Commitment Phobia: The Source and The Way Out

Commitment phobia is a very painful experience both for the one who engages in the pattern and for those who are involved with that person. Usually the art of pushing and pulling and seduction are the domain of the commitment “phobe.” The answer dwells deeply in the family of origin survival patterns.

Commitment phobia is something I see in my office often and happens to both women and men. The key piece is fear. Fear of intimacy and deep emotional connection. People who are commitment phobic feel they need to cut off their feelings after a certain point of knowing someone as a means of feeling in control and feeling emotionally protected. This is often not conscious and going on at the deepest level of the sub consciousness.

You can spot a commitment-phobe a mile away only if you know what you are looking for.  But if not, it is not at all obvious because one can be deeply taken in by the art of seduction that is prevalent at the hands of a commitment phobic person.  They are deeply involved in the thrill of the hunt as a key part of the experience.  Once they “get” the person, it becomes less interesting for them. They begin the process of keeping score. They are consumed with picking out the negative traits in the other person in a meticulous fashion.  I am not saying people should ignore negative traits or stay in relationships they’re not happy with, but with the commitment-phobic person, this endeavour of seeking out negative traits in the other person is particularly acute and almost an obsessive process.

Basically, they are looking for perfection; which is what they erroneously feel would make them happy, in control and ultimately emotionally safe.  When they find someone that they feel would measure up the push/pull journeys begin.  They are there and then they are not. You know what I am talking about: The person is fully present and ensconced in compliments and sweet nothings, and then they don’t call for four days. You know- the disappearing act! When the commitment-phobic person is there, they are thinking at the back of their mind about their backdoor way out at all times.

A very unhappy commitment phobic client said to me once about his latest conquest: “I’m not here for a long time, but I’m here for a good time, so I’m going to be very seductive and very romantic with her. But, as soon as I get a whiff that she is starting to relax with me, be more human and real with me, I’m outta here!”  We find out through the therapeutic process that this person has done this repeatedly and he suffers from loneliness yet he cannot move away from this pattern. He comes from a divorced family that had immense instability throughout the childhood. So he is constantly working to mitigate future pain. Staying in the moment and just enjoying the new love is out of the question when the pattern is active. He needs to feel one step ahead in his relationships always. He is deeply consumed with not being “trapped” by a woman who depends on him in any way.  He perceives any form of intimacy as a trap,

Another sad case that I became aware of, was a woman that dated and even became engaged to a covert commitment phobe. He promised her a rose garden for years and one month prior to the fully planned and rsvp’d wedding, he bailed. The only reason they did not get to the actual wedding day (only to have him leave her standing alone at the alter) is because she finally woke up and started to piece together the commitment phobic symptomlogy he had been displaying. She decided to question him very deeply which did force him to admit he was not going to go through with the wedding. He had been seducing her and stringing her along, in a bid not to “hurt” her. Instead he felt that lying was a better option which included the act of a last minute wedding day bail out!

Look out for people you are dating that are constantly looking at other people while on a date with you. Also be mindful that the commitment-phobic person is a born sales person in that they can spin a web and tell a story that is unparalleled.  What is actually happening is that they are usually covering their lies with the stories.

The truth is, when I work with a commitment-phobic person I realize that they themselves are not at all in touch with their inner truths. I ask the question, “So why do you think you’re doing this?” And the answer invariably is, “I don’t know. I’m not sure.” They are very cut off from their own emotions as it is very scary for them. True, real grit, deep authentic truth and reality is tough for many people but for the person who is commitment-phobic, it is nearly impossible to have them face this type of emotional delving and truth.

This article is a cautionary tale alerting people to not to get involved with someone they suspect is commitment phobic because if a long term commitment is what you are after, this kind of person is sure to get you hurt!  It is not going to be a pretty situation, unless you yourself are a commitment-phobic person. We know that like attracts like, so that may also be a likely scenario. It actually may be a good match temporarily since both parties are not interested in longevity.  However denial is not just a river in Egypt! I have seen two commitment phobic people get married In Vegas within one week of knowing each other because they got caught up in the romance of it all. The intensity of the connection made them slip into a denial state that seduced them into a marriage decision. Of course it did not last and lots of pain ensued!  But I also see the scenario of the commitment phobe in a relationship with the highly clingy person. It’s a match made in hell seduced by romance and destroyed by codependency and low self worth on both sides.

A lot of commitment-phobic people tend to grow up in volatile addiction families or in families that the parents are in a loveless and silent relationship.  In either scenario there is a palpable feeling of tension, unhappiness and dissatisfaction that everyone just wants out of. In the case of the loud and volatile family there is a lot of insecurity about what will be happening the next day or what the mood of the mother or father will be in at any given time. These people were brought up to constantly have one foot in and one foot out. Can you imagine a child being completely invested in a mother or father whom they cannot trust? The child feels in a constant state of emotional panic. This volatile, unstable home creates a neural pathway belief system to be commitment-phobic. “Why am I going to commit when it’s only been unsafe to commit to people that I am supposed to trust and relax with?”  For those who grew up in a silent, loveless and inexpressive home the child has no role model for healthy committed adult attachments. They have no idea what it feels like have healthy emotional bonding.

For those of you who are commitment phobic and want to get over this, you need to engage in deep therapy, to look at your family-of-origin stuff, because clearly if you had a choice, you probably wouldn’t be doing this. I’ve worked with many whose answer to the ques­­tion, “Why do you do this?” is a big “I don’t know.” The consciousness level isn’t there. You’ve got to get conscious and commit to getting in touch with what’s making you act in ways that clearly hurt other people and yourself.

My opinion is that being in a relationship provides us with a forum to learn and to grow the most. I am not saying that when one is single one does not learn a lot, but when in a relationship you learn the discipline qualities of getting through emotional boredom, sexual boredom, immature impulsiveness, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open and insecure in front of your partner and cultivating a sense of deep trust. These are qualities that are tremendously growth stimulating for a soul. Our souls look to find opportunities to become more vulnerable, more open, more trusting, less suspicious, less escapist.  We are, as souls, relationship-oriented, and I think that in relationships we tend to grow the most and to work our spiritual lessons most profoundly.

Quick tips for the commitment-phobic person:

  • Engage in the present moment: Be right here, right now with the person in front of you. See what is good and right in the relationship now! (Especially those of you who are in child-bearing years, who want to start to build a life with somebody.)
  • Know and accept that nothing and no one is perfect!
  • Become aware of how your parents did it and find ways to do the opposite.
  • Practice meditation regularly as a way to calm anxiety. The instinct to run and escape from intimacy often is a way to calm anxiety.  So use another way to calm that feeling state that is sabotaging your relationships.
  • Read the book: He’s Scared, She’ Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol
  • Practice meditation regularly as a way to calm anxiety. The instinct to run and escape from intimacy often is a way to calm anxiety.  So use another way to calm that feeling state that is sabotaging your relationships.

Victoria Lorient-Faibish MEd, CCC, RPP, RPE
Holistic Psychotherapist
Masters in Educational Psychology
Canadian Certified Counsellor
Registered Polarity Practitioner
Registered Polarity Educator
Reiki Master
New Decision Therapy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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45 Responses to Commitment Phobia: The Source and The Way Out
  1. alayah
    August 29, 2011 | 10:35 am

    interesting post, was nice to read thanks

  2. Dirk
    January 14, 2012 | 1:46 pm

    Excellent article. And useful.

  3. Penny
    October 16, 2012 | 10:57 am

    Great article. Thank you. It’s so much truth in it. But as a commitment phobic, it’s not easy to get out of it.
    I use to talk to an online coach now. Once in a while I call the coach just to describe how i acted in circumstances with my date. A professional can give you the right hints then. So perhaps you others like me should try it with professional help like coaches! (can recommend Your24hCoach)

  4. Diana Mingo
    November 8, 2012 | 9:48 am

    It’s devestating to experience a relationship with this type of man. I didn’t know they existed until I spent over a year trying to deal with one. I should have left in the first month….

  5. geoffrey reid
    December 21, 2012 | 12:01 am

    how do i tell some that have they this phobia please . as i might well be the only person that has pick this in her life . she was subject to child abuse alcoholic father . nothing sexual that i know of . help me please

  6. annie
    January 13, 2013 | 3:59 pm

    I have been reading up on this condition and I have realised I have it. I am much happier now I know what is wrong with me and I am not alone. I have been putting one of my best friends through hell for the last 3 years because he is inlove with me and I don’t know how I feel. I haven’t a clue what to do, any advice?

  7. Roland
    February 22, 2013 | 3:46 am

    A good read. I have been thinking about this topic,so thanks for sharing. I will be subscribing to your blog. Keep up great writing. I like the tips. Commitment phobia is a very painful experience. I totally agree.

  8. emproxy
    April 5, 2013 | 7:01 am

    i stumbled on d words ‘commitment phobia’ on a radio program, and since then i av been reading voraciously to know more about them nd there causes. Your article has been very informative nd helpful but i fear i might not be able to help my girl friend out of dis situation alone. I have know her for 4yr nw, initially she was very happy nd wud share everytin wit me, but afta a while everytin turns apart. She even told me she was frustrating me dat i am stuborn since then i av been in hell. She wud always tell me dat it wont work, that their z no us. I need help i really love her wat do i do?

  9. The Truth
    April 14, 2013 | 7:34 pm

    it is much more of the women that can’t commit to just only one man anymore.

  10. John
    April 15, 2013 | 3:43 am

    Interesting to read -it’s amazing that although individuals differ, reading this describes my ex girlfriends behaviour so well. The art of seduction was certainly something she practiced and also responded too. This made the relationship exciting, romantic, and dangerous. She did a complete 180 almost overnight and shut down the feelings that she’d opened up to. once she did that, there was no going back – and it was the most painful experience ive ever had. Key thing to getting over this is to realise that you aren’t to blame for someone elses hangups – and more importantly, there is nothing you can do to prevent it. Give them space? Play hard to get? All short terms tactics that might get you back in their life (or bed) but as soon as you get ‘comfortable’ – the fears will creep back in and they’ll find a way to end it – which may even involve direct character attacks on you – to absolve the blame from something they dont understand about themselves. Beware – because you’ll believe them, after all – you love them. But find your own truth, within you – and know that you acted with honesty, and love which is nothing to be sorry about.

  11. britney
    April 20, 2013 | 11:53 am

    I think that your comments on the commitment phobic wanting perfection is true. It can be very difficult when you are starting out to know what you are actually looking for but I still believe that when you do find the right person you will know.

  12. Dmytro
    May 11, 2013 | 12:16 pm

    See myself in here. Sad. In relationship for 3 years. Had this issue with previous girlfriends. Looking for perfection even knowing there is no perfection in anything. I am far from perfect actually. Pick up the book in Barnes and Noble “Man who can’t love”.

    Good thing find finally what is the problem. Described above is not 100% my case, but good 75%.

  13. rose
    May 29, 2013 | 9:44 pm

    I also have the same problem I can’t commit to a relationship n I don’t want to, the reason why I would say its fear of relying, n fear of being controled by a man, I hate it wen a man wants me to promise him foever I fell like he is trying to trap me. My current boyfriend love to make me promise things to him, I must promise that I love him n that I will never leave him I told him I feel like he is emotional blackmailing me n I hate it. Commitmentphobia its not something that 1 chooses it happens n it hurts u as much as u know u hurting the other person ur concious is always eating u up, but because u don’t care u hurt them anyway instead of having them hurting u.

  14. Nila
    June 2, 2013 | 3:50 am

    I have been in this relation for almost 5 years. It is emotionally tiring. Last month he admitted that he commitment phobic. He feel trapped and dont want to be in the relation anymore. I should have picked up the signs at the very first month when we met, but the truth is, i was so blind because i fell in love with him. I desperately wanted to have companion and he came along. Looking back again is all make sense now. I still feel bad about all the dramas and feel traumatic to start again

  15. Rachel Madison
    June 4, 2013 | 8:47 pm

    This article really hits home. I like your suggestion to use meditation. This is an issue that needs compassion. I recently read an interesting article on this from Psych Alive. http://www.psychalive.org/2011/11/fear-of-intimacy/

  16. emilie
    June 25, 2013 | 8:38 am

    This article describes me so well it’s scary. I have never been in an actual ‘relationship’ with someone else even once. I always pull away before it ever comes to that. If someone confesses their feelings for me, then it’s game won and game over both at the same time. The thought of getting into a relationship with someone and relying on them and being obligated to be loyal and honest with them overwhelms me, so I make do with the thrill of the chase. I know I’ve hurt so many people, but I just can’t help it. Commitment phobia is more serious than people chalk it up to be, and it’s not that simple. I’m thinking of buying the recommended books and maybe finding a therapist.

  17. Trish
    July 16, 2013 | 8:23 pm

    I am married, and now separated from a commitment phobe. We were together a total of 6 years, married for 3. The heartbreaking truth is facing the fact that these relationships are built on lies because the commitment phobe doesn’t want to “hurt your feelings.” But they distance themselves, sabotage moments that should be memorable and special and cause the self esteem of their partners to erode by their elusive behavior. Which actually hurts more than if they had just left in the first place. The spouse/partner of a commitment phobe is constantly wondering “why am I not good enough to enjoy a healthy relationship with you?” The most unfair thing that these people do is blame their partners for every problem in the relationship to deflect the attention away from the real problem- them. They are crafty at conjuring up reasons to not fully commit. “If you would only… we could be much happier.” My husband would tell me if I would cook and clean more. Once I did that the complaint was that nag too much. Then I help him with his son enough. Then he increased his working hours and often made sure he was working on important holidays. When he was off work, he would hang out with his friends until 2 in the morning. These are all methods that commitment phobes use to keep their partners at arms length. Now that we are separated I can see very clearly what he was doing. The sad part is that he didn’t really start (or maybe I didn’t see it) until after we got married. Living with these people can be EXTREMELY painful. And yes, I can now recognize some of the signs that he displayed early in the relationship. It was very intense in the beginning. He told me he loved me with the first couple of weeks and was talking marriage soon after. We had a break-up to make-up relationship and marriage was probably the worst decision we could have ever made. He even fooled our pre-marital therapist into believing his act. We now have a child which is the best thing that came out of our relationship. Not just because I love her with all my heart but because as I evaluated our relationship, I knew that I did not want her to ever believe that our marriage was something she should ever mimic. To be honest, she is the only proof, other than our wedding pictures, that our relationship ever existed. Now I am picking up the pieces and working on myself to discover why I allowed myself to stay in a relationship like this.

  18. outsourced business development
    July 17, 2013 | 1:12 am

    That was really interesting. I must say you are doing a great job..

  19. Nancy
    September 9, 2013 | 11:15 pm

    Some husbands really need to be careful of other woman outside their marriage,this was a true life story that happened to me to my own notice my sister took my husband from me the husband whom i have love so much and promise me that no woman will take him from me but all of a sudden things turned apart if not for my friend hear in USA that told me i needed a spell caster that can cast a spell to separate them maybe by now he must have went for a divorce which could have made me commit suicide because i loved him so much likewise like him also but how things turn around was a thing that surprised me.
    I vowed that any thing it could cost me i must separate him and my elder sister i then collected the contact of this spell caster from my friend Mary she told me his name is spiritual Priest Ajigar and his email is priestajigarspells@live.com i contacted him and narrated the whole story to him he consulted and found out that my sister visited a spell caster that casted a spell that made him love her i then ask him what to do he told me that this spell needed to be broken so that my husband can leave her alone and come back to me the spell was broken and within three days he began to hate her that he even beat her up before he said to her that it is over between him and her right now my husband is with me again and care for me like he have never done before i thank my friend Mary but i own all thanks to priest Ajigar for bringing back my husband and i their for advice that if you notice any strange behavior in your marriage or your boy friend or girlfriend is cheating you contact Priest Ajigar to know the root of it he will surely help you out and give an everlasting solution to it.

  20. Jessica
    September 20, 2013 | 11:32 am

    I am a commitment-phobe that recent realize that as much as I know I had a problem, I could not fix it on my own. The person that I care for walked out because he thought I wasn’t invested. Which he was completely accurate. I cared but not enough to show him my real self and being open to being vulnerable. I recent have been seeing a therapist, and come across the underline issues. It’s something that I will have to keep working on. I highly suggest that you do seek professional help. Don’t think you can fix this on your own please! You can’t. I have wasted majority of my life as well as all my dating life on thinking it was a quick fix and I had control over it. For those who love a commitment-phobe I just wanted to say I’m am truly sorry. I know you probably don’t deserve this but I really hope you find it in your heart to understand that it really isn’t what we want to do, we just don’t believe we deserve love and can’t see the love even if it’s staring at us in the face. good luck all.

  21. Despairing
    September 28, 2013 | 11:18 am

    I didn’t agree with everything in the article. I am really moved to read what everyone’s comments are and I have read a bit of Men Who Can’t Love. All of this helps me to see a pattern that I have experienced in men, to understand that it is not something that can be overridden by “playing hard to get” or “trying harder to be who he wants”. However the missing bit for me in anything I have read so far is my experience over 20years: continuously dating men like this: all short relationships. My self esteem is affected. I am assuming now that I must be a committmentphobe too, except that I act it out by choosing men who won’t commit, rather than pull away myself.

    I recognise the pattern of looking for faults and being scared of them, and saying to myself or him, that I don’t think he is right. Then when I let go, when I surcome he ends it. A few of my boyfriends have admitted that they are scared which helped.

    I have pushed and pulled men, but I do not fear intimacy (i have always known I don’t fear intimacy so it took me years to understand that I must be fearing something else) I do fear being trapped with the wrong person, however I cannot tell if that is normal cos none of my relationships have turned out well: because i choose CP, then I am used to being dumped after a few weeks or months.

    I have tried lots of things to change the pattern, nothing has worked in the long term. I have had counselling, psychotherapy etc. I am at a loss as to what to do to have a loving relationship that lasts past the initial stage. In venus and mars dating book, he says that there is a stage in dating that both partners start to question whether it is the right relationship for them: it is like I lose the guy at that stage. (I have only ended a few relationships myself).

    Wishing everyone the best….

  22. Becky
    October 25, 2013 | 3:36 pm

    Wow what a well written article, completely hit the nail on the head!
    Unfortunately you completely described me, I’m 28 years old, watching my friends get married and have babies and I want that so badly! I want the end picture but I won’t put myself on the journey to get there!
    I’ve always denied having commitment phobia but tonight, sat here, I’ve admitted it to myself for the first time!
    Although it was some home truths and made my eyes fill, I now know what’s wrong with me.. So I’m going to buy books, seek help and get over this phobia I have!
    What you said about the family situations as a child is very true, I’ve never experienced stability, my mum could argue with a brick wall and my dad always Moans about every thing, never happy! He Brings people down… I refuse to be anything like them- which I’m not- BUT subconsciously that’s why I’m avoiding relationships- to avoid being them! I see that now!
    Thank you for opening my eyes!

  23. Doing Time!
    October 28, 2013 | 1:03 am

    Being recently involved with a man with commitment phobia has been a very confusing, painful and frustrating experience. Thank you for your pointed summary – reading and educating have helped me to see that I did nothing wrong and that I was yet again a victim of a man who cannot commit. For others reading this know that I allowed this man to seduce me, win my heart and reject me 3 times in less than a year – he certainly is the sales-man and sadly I allowed him back in each time with a empty promise that he would not do it again. Remember they cannot commit to being with you and often being apart from you!! The push and pull of your heart strings is debilitating, the empty promises painful to swallow. This is a man who has many tales of woe, a string of broken relationships and marriages/divorces – never his fault! All red-flags I should have paid attention to. A funny, kind, loving man who is easy to fall in love with – so a deadly combination! He pushed me to agree to find a house with him for us to live in and as soon as I agreed we found the house and needed to sign the paperwork boom he is running scared – cheating on me with an ex- girlfriend, acting cold and pushing me away! He thinks he wants a normal, loving relationship but he just cannot commit! He told me about his ex who he said he was with for 18 months – she in answer to his pleading left her husband and moved in to her own house in the January with an expectation that he would join her – her availability made him panic and feel trapped and he dumped her and ran in the February! When he and I first got back together – for round 2 – he had made me feel the initial split was his confusion and it was all about her his ex- but I mark his words now as things become clear when he said ” the relationship with her is a no-go as she does not trust that I will not do it to her again” he would not explain this to me at the time and I was so happy to be back with him – he telling me I am the one I ignored this screaming red flag- I now know what he was referring to! So I am shutting up shop and deleting him from my world so that I can move on and heal! I was a fool to forgive him and allow him back and I caution everyone to read the books and research the behavioirs as this sickness/condition can ruin you! The more you care, the more you love the more you are in danger or being rejected! Don’t play games and think acting cold will work everything with his man is temporary and that will never change -mine is in his early 50s and a very sociable man with over 1500 Facebook friends but not anyone he calls a close or best friend …. Another red flag – he also lives In a tiny, one bedroom rented flat and has a young son who stays 3 times a week – the son sleeps in his bed! A good excuse to keep a girlfriend at bay. His flat is not lived in and resembles a hotel room lacking in personal affects and soul – all red flags – he hasn’t even hung pictures! So don’t think you can change this type of person and remember it is not you, it is them – it is a truly heart breaking experience but it is a real problem and there is nothing you can do so just get out and don’t look back! I am now working on why I chose these types of unhealthy relationship And give too much!! Time to heal – I have served my sentence and will no longer be “Doing Time” !!

  24. Seeing the light!!
    October 29, 2013 | 8:24 am

    Wow, what an amazing, scary journey life can be! I have been struggling the last year and half trying to figure out why I keep repeating the same destructive patterns with my current relationship. Here I have a man who loves me and I really love him too, but I keep sabotaging the relationship. I always knew there was something wrong with my approach and thought process towards romantic love relationships in general. Due to my youth I did not date at all and the very first boyfriend I had was at 25.
    People always found this strange, I got asked why do you always make every guy you meet a friend. I used to love the attention (like most people in general do) and I had a lot of guy friends. Some stuck around for years and I knew they liked me, but I didn’t want them to leave me, but I just couldn’t commit to anything. So friends was the safe way out. When I was 25 I had a relationship for about 6 months and a few years later I started a relationship with someone in a different country. I used to do that in my beginning twenties too. I would be interested in men who would be around for a few weeks maybe on holiday in my country, and then I knew they would go back to their country so it was ok. I never ever realised what I was doing or why I was doing it. So there I was starting a new relationship 3 years later at the age of 28. (In the meantime don’t get me wrong, I loved the attention I would seek it out and men were interested, but again I make them into friends very quickly.)
    The relationship lasted for about 3 years and it was a huge rollercoaster. He also had commitment issues and kept breaking up and wanting to get back together and breaking up etc. Thinking back he was a mirror of myself. I went along with this, I missed him when he wasn’t around and when we did meet it was for short periods of time. When he asked me to move to his country, I said yes and I even arranged that I didn’t live with him. Like it was his fault, because he broke up with me already a few times so we could see how it goes. What I realise years later is that both of us were doing the push pull scenario and both were actually ok with this situation. Needless to say I learned a lot from this experience, but I always said he is the one that has the commitment phobia not me. I blamed him for almost everything. Maybe he did have it worse or to a higher degree but we were both to blame.

    So we ended up breaking it off and I left for my own country. A few months later he contacted me to wanting to try it again – this time I said no, because I realised this is not healthy. It was extremely difficult to cut off this cord.
    A few years went by again and I met this beautiful man I am presently with. I could see that I was pushing and pulling him. I was testing or still am to a degree, seeing when he will leave. I realise I am hurting him and myself. However the last few months I have been soul searching a lot and came to the realisation after talking to professional therapists that I am a commitment phobic person. There are various degrees, but all the tell-tale signs are there. Pull someone towards you, then as soon as it becomes too comfortable you push them away. Nit picking on every little negative thing they do and making such a huge fuss over every little thing that might not be what I want it to be. Then it consumes me, I start getting a panic attack, wondering if we actually fit together. I cut off my emotions and I only focus on the almost obsessive feelings of anxiety. Almost a year ago he asked me to move in with him, he still has not happened, because I am pushing it forward all the time. The crazy thing is, I want to have life with him and I want to move in. Then if he says lets wait for a while, I get hurt and feel that we need to move in – push pull push pull. As a person with commitment phobia, you cannot believe it is going well, you cannot believe someone can actually love you. So that’s why you push them away.
    I realised that I need help and professional help. So I was honest with him and told him what is going on and the journey is still in play. He has been sticking around and he gives me space. So I do see the light as I need to focus on me now and be compassionate for myself. I see the light as I realise what is wrong, what needs to heal. I don’t know where it is all coming from yet, but I am very open to learn.
    So thank you for this article. By me sharing my thoughts I hope I have helped others. We have to love ourselves and be open to heal. Otherwise we keep doing the same thing over and over again. This relationship is worth it and I am worth it, so my journey continues ….

  25. Mike
    November 4, 2013 | 2:43 pm

    OMG this article describes my ex-girlfriend to a tee. The part about the disappearing act is completely accurate. We were together for four and a half years, and broke up and got back together three times during that period, each breakup initiated by her. We would spend each weekend together, and the time spent together, including vacations (always long weekends, never longer vacations), was glorious and perfect. Then when we parted for the week ahead, I wouldn’t hear from her at all unless I contacted her first. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster ride! For a long time, I thought it was me, but then I began research commitmentphobia and the symptoms described her exactly. She has a history of traumatic loss – mentally ill mother who wasn’t always present; raised by housekeepers; mother died when she was 19; marriage to a man who repeatedly cheated on her (and now I see why); a long term relationship with a guy who ultimately cheated on her; father remarried to a woman who didn’t accept her as family. Once you know about commitmentphobia, this becomes a lesson in basic abnormal psychology. She could never own up to her fear of commitment and shied away from discussions about the future. As somebody who actually embraces commitment (I’m actually quite good at relationships having had a stable, loving family growing), it’s a difficult path to travel. I finally had had enough of the rollercoaster and forced myself to break it off about three months ago (also sensing that she was about to do the same). I told her that I needed to be with somebody who could commit fully to the relationship, that I deserved such happiness, and she eagerly agreed with my assessment. She referred to vague criticisms of me, saying that I was too negative; I will admit to being somewhat cynical about people but I always expect things to work out in the end. (Side note on this: her teenage son was a holy terror with frequent bouts with the law for drugs and other things, yet I stuck around to help her deal with the emotional fallout and repeatedly told her that in time, he would straighten out. He did.) It’s terribly hard moving forward after such an experience because I truly loved her and still do, and I’m finding it difficult to move forward with other women who I’ve met. I find that I am either extracautious or still still in love with the ex or both. Anyway, it sure does help reading these insightful articles and other peoples’ experiences. Good luck to all who have gone through this or are going through this. Thanks for listening.

  26. anne
    November 13, 2013 | 2:12 pm

    Ive been two years now in a relationship, with a man I now feel is probably a cp. He lives approx 30 miles away, so see each other only once a week. Im 40 with two kids, hes 45 lives alone, never married and no kids. We r not getting any younger, but there are always changing reasons and excuses why he cant move nearer or with us, a lot of the reasons have been put on me. He says he loves me all the time, and I cant leave him. I love him and I want him to want me…. I keep hoping he will realise wot hes got and mske some move for me…. He says he wants to stay in london one more year…

  27. Elise
    November 17, 2013 | 3:17 pm

    I am a 17 year old commitment phobe but i do not look for perfection in looks, but in personality. I have really strong meanings about what love is and what it should be. Also i am not verry found of fooling around. For some reason it just mekes me feel way too unconfetible, so i try to stay away, even i’ve got a pray i try to stay away because i have big problems with tuching. As long as i can remember i’ve told myself; im ok im fine. Im ok when im alone. Alone is good. I dont need anyone but me. Only me only me…… I know its not a good thing to be telling myself these things but its what i truly belive.

  28. Jim
    November 26, 2013 | 12:43 pm

    I experienced this for the first time dating a really wonderful, middle-aged woman who was stunning. She was perfect for me. We fell madly in love really quickly, but from the start she was Jekyll/Hyde, breaking up then getting back together with deeper emotions. I confronted her about her fear of intimacy and she was in complete denial. Eventually she was moving in with me and then bolted. She broke out in stress hives!!! She basically had a panic attack and ran away. Then she goes real negative and projects all of her stuff on me as if I am a needy person with mental problems. It is really comical though hearbreaking too. How tragic!!! Like Marilyn Monroe, a stunning woman who is her own enemy. I tried to help her but to no avail. It really is simply her problem. She has to grow up. And I know she is trying. But she is so pretty she does not have much incentive. I think she probably has to go through some real tough alone time for her to hit bottom and want to seek help. Alternately she can go from emotionally unavailable “safe” guy and break up over and over, confirming in her mind that it is not worth it. In that case, a complete tragedy.

  29. Gold Blend
    December 30, 2013 | 4:57 pm

    I can get some comfort from reading other people experiences. I broke up with a man I was with for 4 years, who at the age of 44yrs had never been married, had no children and a string of failed relationships behind him, (never his fault). If that wasn’t enough red flags, he still lived with his parents in the house he had bought for them all. He pursued me relentlessly telling me I was ‘The One’ and was so romantic I was swept off my feet. We had a long distance relationship until he actually moved in with me and my son for a time (18months)I was so happy and I thought we were getting somewhere. He has a very successful job as a factory manager,is wealthy, so no financial reason to live with parents & is very attractive and quite shy,loving and sensitive which I found endearing. He never committed fully though and paid me ‘rent’ whilst with me, phoninh home each night to talk to his Mum. After 18months he took a job back where he came from and moved out, wanting to continue the relationship at weekends,as before, whilst he moved back with his parents. I stupidly loved him so much I tried this for 3 months as he became more distant then something in me snapped one day and I ended it although I still loved him, my self respect was disappearing. I hoped he would realise how much he loved me. He never tried to get me back. Why then a year later do I still mourn the relationship and blame myself and wonder if perhaps he just hasn’t met the right person? The pain and confusion these men or women cause is so hard to bear and I pray that this year I can at last move forward and never look back.

  30. Amber
    January 12, 2014 | 11:52 pm

    I have been with this amazing ( when he is actually ‘here’) guy for almost 6 years and we have two beautiful children together. He has on many occasions asked me to marry him then s few days before we go to the court house to get married he starts his distant act again. We are/were supposed to get married in 2 days, 1/14/2014 but he is doing it again. I didn’t know there were more people out there that do this. I have told him that i am fine just being the only one you want and love and we don’t have to get married if he didn’t want to, and yet he is always the one asking me. We live together and on the lease together so we can’t really leave. He is the only serious relationship that i have ever had and i don’t really know how to be without him and have two kids to raise by myself. I don’t know how to get through to him to let him know that I do love him and i don’t need to be married to him i just want to be with him and to know that I am the only one he is making love to. Help please.

  31. Chiller
    January 26, 2014 | 2:44 am

    Oh my, this must be me. I have never had a boyfriend in my 24 years of existence in this world. I have had suitors during my teenage years but it seemed to me they are not right for me. I’m always looking for someone else. And now at work I tried to be so pretty to charm some of the prospective boyfriends but I just can’t think of actually having them as a boyfriend. I’m scared to commit and to depend fully to someone else who I think will eventually leave me sooner or later. I can’t think of showing the other side of me when I’m in the office. Feels like I’m a different person when I’m there. I don’t want to be an old maid but staying in a long term relationship is unimaginable. Thanks for this article. It made me realize I’m not the only one feeling this way. But I feel sorry to think that this is actually a psychological disorder.

  32. Julie
    February 7, 2014 | 7:04 pm

    I have loved a commitment phobia man for over 27 years. He broke my heart at 22 when I discovered he was engaged to another woman who was pregnant. I went off the rails, drinking and sleeping around. I eventually fell in love with a friend who saved me from myself and I married him on the rebound. Very sadly I bumped into “commitment phobe,” and he wooed me back into his arms! We began an affair that lasted half a life time. I dont know how we got away with it?! I did it because I thought he loved me! I encouraged my husband to move my house, ‘so’ I could be near my lover when my husband worked away. We had two children, yet I moved our world to be with him!! After 17 years marriage I instigated divorce as I could no longer live a lie. Commitment phobe appeared. Butto be there for me?! We went public with our relationship and were besotted!! Then I fell pregnant at 42 I was delighted! He was not!?! Up to that point hhe was the love of my life! Then he changed into the most selfish man I have ever met. When our baby was three weeks old I discovered sex texts from other women. I lost two stone and had a nervous breakdown and contemplated suicide. It took me twelve months to stop crying with support from an EFT practitioner. Our son is four years old. I have had one relationship since but could not commit so ended it. Ironically I have again been drawn back under this man’s spell! As we maintained contact for our son?! I’m now in an affair with him?! I’m his ‘mistress” again!! He has a girlfriend he has been seeing 18 months?! She goes out to dinner and dancing with him?! I raise his son on a pitiful maintenance?! Sometimes he comes over and pretends to play “happy families’ and we do the normal stuff together. Then he puts his son to bed. Then he takes me to bed!! Then he drives back to his house, where he lives on his own! Picking up and dropping us as it suits him!! I feel I am heading to an early grave with the anxiety this man is putting me through?!?!

  33. kary
    February 19, 2014 | 9:51 pm

    I am so grateful for this article. I have experienced the pain of dating a commitment phobic man. This is very hurtful. This article helped me understand what this is and what it looks like. I read this and it was exactly what I went through. Thrills, excitement and such happiness right away and then when it went to the boyfriend/girlfriend stage he just became so cold and uncaring. I felt incredibly unloved and could not understand what happened. I wondered what I had done. I felt like I wasn’t enough all of a sudden. I asked pointed questions about whether or not he wanted to be in the relationship. He couldn’t answer and made vague comments about not being together and also being together. I remained confused yet gave my love to him. As a Christian I prayed a lot. The coldness and lack of interest in me, my life and my welfare just kept breaking my heart. On a special day when this person again left me hurt and alone I told him to leave. I spent many days praying and the Lord confirmed in my heart that this man has hurt me enough and that it had to stop and return to a friendship only. It was at that time that this person admitted having this problem. I am so sorry to read the article posts of this going on for years.. my experience lasted about 5 months but I loved him and I am left with a lot of hurt and pain to get over. This man is a Christian that I met at church. It is sad that this is such a deep seated issue for those who have this because people want to love them. I wanted and did love him and accept him. I loved and gave and wound up with a hurting and broken heart. This is such a painful thing to go through.

  34. Julia
    February 23, 2014 | 6:55 pm

    I have dated a commitment phobe for six months with countless breakups in between. He was sweet, caring and loving but when I asked him to meet my friends and family he had no choice but to accept he is not up for commitment.
    I left him and he wooed me back into his life. We have been on and off for 6 months and now I need help to stay away from him for good.
    What can I do? suggestions are welcome. Don’t judge me because sometimes things are easier said than done and I will like to get out of this cycle.

  35. Golden Girl
    February 26, 2014 | 10:01 pm

    The article was enlightening, thank you. The description of the push, pull helped a lot as did the reminder of the seduction these cp use to draw you back in. I walked away last summer and still have care and concern for the cp in my life but have used a no contact rule to allow myself to heal and grow. Honestly at this point I need time to date myself, pray and journal a lot. A year ago I started on my masters knowing this man would find a way to run away again. So no matter what his choices I can be joyful through learning, friendships and volunteering. These are very painful and frustrating relationships and leaving someone you genuinely love hurts. I am a passionate single 50 year old and I will not waste my life with someone who refuses to look in the mirror and deal with their issues. I am sad for all the people who have written comments and I believe in true love and commitment. I did take him back and believe another round of lies awhile back but at this point if I were to take him back I need to assess what my pay off is for staying with someone who blocks love.
    I pray for him and am very nice when I bump into him but I am building a solid life that is an investment in myself and not a gamble. I know love is on its way! Hang tough and date yourself for awhile, it’s pretty cool!

  36. Paul Koppel
    March 14, 2014 | 8:14 am

    Meditation is an excellent resource in decreasing the anxiety feelings and relaxing the muscles and mind. Regular practice of medication brings a drastic change in yourself.

  37. Wayne
    April 8, 2014 | 3:11 am

    The article is so accurate that I felt like being stabbed reading each and every facts stated.
    It described me so well, I feel sorry and misereable of myself being a commitment-phobe, I always been but even more now.
    I could only hope I can cope up and get over with this condition soon as I’m only in my early 20s. I got a long way ahead of me and I’m worried about women out there that might turned up someday being hurt along my journey.
    Forgive me.

  38. Anna
    May 1, 2014 | 7:06 pm

    hi all,
    i have similar experience with commitment phoebe!This article describes him in detail!We were together for 2,5 years ended up very badly as i had to run away from his house where we lived together with my little child.I loved him madly and he seduced me until he could see he “got” me…then he suddenly changed over the night into a completely different person cold uncaring!Its been 5 months since havent meet him and inspite of the fact of being heart broken the only advice i can give myself and others is to get out from the relationship with that type of man asap!they are going to hurt u anyway….:-(he said i wasnt perfect because the only thing he could see at me was that i swear when i drive the car…apart from it i was his perfect girl..im 29 and he is 43 now divorced!Its a mental condition and has to be treated before the commitment phoebe finds another victim to seduce…

  39. Pretty
    May 12, 2014 | 10:58 pm

    I’ve been for 18 months in a devastating long distance relationship with a French guy who is a commited phobic. The first trip was a dream with Paris involved for my bday. I meet his family and friends in that trip and they were amazing with me. I noticed he was a very quiet and distant kind of guy who seem detached of the present. The next trips ( 2 more to France for me and 2 for him visiting me in USA ) where a nightmare. I just feel we didn’t connected and I feel confuse and sad. I noticed how he was looking all woman around when we were together and never engage in the moment. He barely wants to talk about his past or the future. Oh but he was a master in find the way to write me the best text, or emails with romantic pics os us or about love …but all that love and feelings that he described in his emails didn’t match when we were actual together. I noticed he was distant with his family as well…I faced him about I didn’t feel his love was actually true …I even thought he was using me to get a green card …I was going nuts trying to understand what was going on …finally after my last trip I told him I didn’t feel this relationship was going anywhere he denied that of course so I said you never make any plans for us or want to discuss about where we are going he said we are getting married and he told his family that we will engage in this past February …I didn’t feel he really was convince about it..and finally he said he didn’t have money then change the date to April …and nope again not money …the last conversation we had was in March …I end it…thank you for this article …I am not more confuse about if it was me the one who was pushy …it was him..really helped my soul..

  40. Michael Hill
    July 3, 2014 | 8:38 pm

    Become Happier By Avoiding Sex, Marriage, Fatherhood, And Parental Alienation Syndrome.

    [Introduction]

    My information is a combination of three stories. The first story describes one of the most important books that I have ever read (Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome by Amy Baker). The second story uses information from online articles to reveal events that are enormously influenced by family problems (like Parental Alienation Syndrome). Parental Alienation Syndrome is probably the worst family problem because it can last for decades after the relationship with the spouse or the lover has ended. The other family problems can be eliminated when the couples divorce or when the unmarried couples separate. The third story explains why parental alienation methods were used against me by an unexpected group of people.

    [Book Summary]

    Forty adult participants were interviewed for Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome (by Amy Baker). The book has a lot of long and informative quotes from those interviews. During childhood, each of the 40 adult participants had an alienating parent (usually the mother) that manipulated them into unjustly hating (or pretending to hate) the targeted parent. Many participants said that they were frequently forced to make hateful or belittling comments to the targeted parent even though they secretly loved the targeted parent. The book gives a detailed explanation of each method the alienating parent used to manipulate or brainwash their children. The United States would become a better country if every targeted parent made their children read and talk to them about this book.

    [Married Life With Children]

    Many alienating parents manipulated their children into hating the targeted parent even though the married couple lived in the same home. The targeted parents are usually unaware of this hatred because the alienating parents and their children decide to keep their hatred a secret as long as the targeted parents (usually the father) stay in the marriage. One child secretly wanted his father to die. The targeted parent thought that his spouse and child were at home in another part of town, but the child was watching him (probably through a window) because the alienating parent told her son to secretly spy on his father. As an adult, the child finally told his father about the childhood spying, the secret hatred, and the other secrets.

    In some marriages, the alienating parent made hateful or belittling comments to the targeted parent. In some of the openly hostile marriages, the children also made hateful or belittling comments to the targeted parent. During the marriage, children saw the alienating parent abuse the targeted parent (verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, or a combination of abuses). The author believes that many of the alienating parents had a personality disorder like narcissism (other disorders were named in the book). Family problems (including Parental Alienation Syndrome) affected the children. “Nearly half of college-age adults [19-25 year old students and non-students] struggle with a mental health disorder, from alcohol dependency to depression and anxiety. But only a quarter seek” treatment (“Young Adults Hit By Mental Health Issues,” BaltimoreSun.com).

    One reason marriage rates are decreasing is because more people are witnessing the divorces and the unhappy marriages of numerous family and friends. People that were older than 20 and had divorced parents were 33 percent less likely to ever get married (“Research Suggests Children Of Divorce More Likely To End Their Own Marriages,” UNews.Utah.edu). The percentage of people older than 18 that were currently married was 72 percent in 1960 and 51 percent in 2010 (“Marriage Rate In America Drops Drastically,” HuffingtonPost.com). “According to U.S. Census Bureau statistics, in 1980 only 6 percent of men between 40 and 44 had never been married; in 2008 it was 16 percent (“The Stigma Of The Never-Married Man,” Details.com).” Fifty-six percent (56%) of all men and 65 percent of men with bachelor degrees remained in their first marriage for at least 20 years (“Only Half Of First Marriages Last 20 Years,” Today.com). “Two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women (“Debunking 10 Divorce Myths,” Health.HowStuffWorks.com).”

    [Child Support And Child Visitation]

    Fifty percent (50%) of the children born to married parents will see their parents divorce before they reach the age of 18 (“Statistics on Children of Divorce in America,” About.com). Custodial parents (usually the mother) can ignore child visitation orders because there is usually no punishment (“Visitation Rights Must Be Enforced,” Cleveland.com). One father was divorced, he had child visitation problems after the divorce, and he remarried the alienating parent because he wanted adequate contact with his child. Some mothers will ask the family court for an increase in child support payments if the father’s income increases significantly. A few websites like LegalZoom.com answer the question: “Can I go after my ex-husband’s new wife’s income for more child support?” The answer is that in “limited circumstances” the ex-wife would get an increase in child support payments.

    “Our [1997] data show that 4.5 million [56% of non-poor] nonresident fathers who do not pay child support have no apparent financial reason to avoid this responsibility. None of these fathers are poor (“Poor Dads Who Don’t Pay Child Support,” Urban.org).” In 2008, nearly 25 percent of parents did not pay any court-ordered child support, and another 30 percent did not pay the full amount (“Most Child-Support Payers Stiff Their Kids,” CBSNews.com). Twenty-four percent (24%) of custodial mothers did not receive any court-ordered child support from fathers, and thirty-seven percent (37%) of custodial fathers did not receive any court-ordered child support from mothers (“Child Support for Custodial Mothers and Fathers: 1991,” page 6, Census.gov).

    The primary reason for child support delinquency is child visitation problems. Another reason is a “vindictive or unjust” divorce process (“The Family; Why Fathers Don’t Pay Child Support,” NYTimes.com). “Men Who Broke” (FathersForLife.org) has many stories of men that committed suicide because of enormous child support arrears or child visitation problems. Some fathers that are victims of Parental Alienation Syndrome pay the full amount of court-ordered child support, and some fathers that were treated well by their families do not pay the full amount of court-ordered child support. Father’s family court problems were explained extremely well in A Promise to Ourselves by Alec Baldwin (book) and Divorce Corp by Joseph Sorge (book and DVD).

    When the children became adults that no longer lived with either parent, many alienating parents (usually the mother) would continue to prevent their children from establishing a relationship with the targeted parent. Many adult alienated children eventually had a positive relationship with the targeted parent. Many children will be permanently alienated from their fathers. Single divorced men with permanently alienated children and never-married men that never had children will be in a SIMILAR situation in their old age.

    [Old Age]

    “In-Home Care For Frail Childless Adults” (Urban.org) reveals the percentage of frail older men (age 65 and older) living in the community that receive in-home care from paid help and unpaid help (family and friends). The information excludes men living in nursing homes and assisted living facilities. Frail unmarried older men with no children received help 50.4 percent of the time (37.9% unpaid help and 20.3% paid help). Frail older men (both married and unmarried) with two children received help 59.8 percent of the time (58.4% unpaid help and 9.3% paid help).

    Nursing homes and assisted living facilities are alternatives to in-home care. “Ohio nursing home and assisted living facility residents rated their overall satisfaction with the care they receive in the ‘B+’ range, according to a statewide survey by the Ohio Department of Aging (“Ohio Nursing Home Residents Rate Facilities Well In State Survey,” Cleveland.com). During old age, the entire Social Security payment of some fathers is confiscated by the government to pay child support (current and past-due). It does not matter if the child is an adult, if the debt was created decades ago, or if the father does not have another source of income (“Child Support vs. Social Security,” BankRate.com).

    [Share The Wealth]

    The emotional harassment that I experienced from an unexpected group of people (since 2001) is very similar to the parental alienation methods described in this book. Before I joined the Navy, I almost always worked minimum wage jobs (mostly in Atlanta, GA). My female Navy enlisted recruiter encouraged me to become a Navy Officer because she saw that I had a bachelor’s degree. I was too old to qualify for most officer job categories as a civilian. The age limits were higher for Navy enlisted personnel. I was interested in the officer program during my first several months of active duty, but I decided not to apply. For ten years (2001-2011), I was a Navy enlisted sailor on active duty in San Diego (CA). My significantly improved financial status caused women and society to change from not caring about my personal life to using emotional harassment to demand that I get a girlfriend and become a father.

    I live alone, I have never been married, and I do not have any children. I used to have sex with women before I began practicing sexual abstinence. “Effectiveness Of Family Planning Methods” (CDC.gov) and “Contraception” (CDC.gov) reveal that the “typical use failure rate” for condoms is 18 pregnancies per 100 women per year (18 percent). Some single condom users want to wear two condoms at the same time. A few women that want to get pregnant will lie and say that male contraceptives are not needed because they are sterile or because they are using female contraceptives. I am happy practicing sexual abstinence and avoiding having a girlfriend because both plans allow me to avoid marriage and fatherhood. The percentage of women at the end of their childbearing years (the 40-44 age group) that have never given birth was 10 percent in 1976 and 18 percent in 2008 (“Childlessness Up Among All Women,” PewSocialTrends.org).

    For the first time in my life (starting in 2001, when I was 32 years old), there was an extreme and coordinated effort to emotionally harass me at work and near my home. The emotional harassment continued after I moved from Atlanta (GA) to San Diego (CA). When I was near my home, strangers that I saw only once would either emotionally harass me or spy on me (child spying is described in my third paragraph). A hacker could spy on my laptop or smartphone (“WiFi Snooping: Who’s Spying On Your Laptop?,” KMOV.com). Company employees can view customer information like my online email account, my bank account, and my brokerage account (“Employees Snoop On Customer Data,” ABCNews.Go.com). My harassers often have information (negative and positive) that I did not reveal to anyone.

    [Doctor’s Visit]

    I was VERY ANGRY at the beginning of the emotional harassment (in 2001), but I got used to it. In 2010, my Commanding Officer (O-6 rank) forced me to see a psychiatrist even though I felt fine. I learned that the Navy does not need a very good reason to make a service member see a psychiatrist. I took a psychological test, and I talked to the psychiatrist. At the beginning of the session, I put a tape recorder on the table. I told the psychiatrist that I will record the entire session. I did not tell her that if I received an unfair diagnosis, then I would have used the tapes to get a second opinion from a psychiatrist that I would have hired. One year after I left the Navy, I destroyed the tapes. The psychiatrist decided that I should live at a Navy mental hospital for three days for observation. The Navy mental hospital told me that I did not have any mental disorders.

    The psychiatrist said that information from my session would be revealed to my high-level supervisors (E-9 rank and above). Even if I was not warned, I would not have told the psychiatrist anything that I did not want the entire world to know. The harassers at my new job location and near my home knew specific things that I told the psychiatrist. The harassers were unable to get any damaging information. Before my 2005 re-enlistment, I knew that I would leave the Navy in 2011 (Honorable Discharge as an E-5). The emotional harassment will last for the rest of my life because I will not become an ATM machine (paying child support for my alienated children that I am rarely allowed to contact). “’In the 1950s, if you weren’t married, people thought you were mentally ill,’ said Andrew J. Cherlin, a Johns Hopkins University sociologist who studies families (“Married Couples At A Record Low,” WashingtonPost.com).”

    [The Boycott]

    The emotional harassment increased my desire to do research on marriage and fatherhood. The more research I did, the worse marriage and fatherhood looked. Marriage and fatherhood is much worse than the emotional harassment that I frequently deal with. I am used to the emotional harassment. The only major problem that I have is unemployment. Avoiding sex, marriage, and fatherhood means that I solved my future problems with family court and the unfair fatherhood laws BEFORE it was too late. If a large percentage of men boycotted family court and the unfair fatherhood laws for their entire life, then society would eventually be FORCED to create a better system. MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) in the United States and Herbivore Men in Japan are large groups of men that are avoiding sex, marriage, fatherhood, and Parental Alienation Syndrome.

    A Promise to Ourselves by Alec Baldwin (book) and Divorce Corp by Joseph Sorge (book and DVD) exposes a broken family court system that frequently does not care about “the best interests of the child.” Any solution to family court and the unfair fatherhood laws should have the goal of preventing unfair changes to the improved system after the children are born. One possible solution would be to pass laws that create “parental contracts” (similar to prenuptial agreements) that cover child custody, child visitation, and child support payments. The “parental contract” could require both parents to allow yearly “parental alienation awareness training” for their children.

    The “parental contract” laws would reduce the number of unfair negotiated contracts. The law would have mandatory minimum child support payments. The “parental contracts” would allow both parents to avoid paying child support if both parents have an equal amount of child custody. If the custodial parent refused a non-custodial parent’s child visitation, then there could be a two-part punishment in the “parental contract” (a “flow reversal” punishment). In the first part, the permanent non-custodial parent would get temporary custody of the children for at least one month. In the second part, the direction of the child support payments would reverse during the temporary custody period. The permanent custodial parent would have to pay child support. A fair system would mean that fewer non-custodial parents would have child support arrears. Allegations of child abuse would have to be proven in a CRIMINAL court. A conviction would authorize the criminal court (not the family court) to punish the defendant by canceling or by modifying their “parental contract.” Parents (married and unmarried) without a “parental contract” would be in another system. [Written by Michael Anthony Hill in Miami, FL (07-01-14)]

  41. Lara
    July 16, 2014 | 5:33 pm

    All your coments were very inspiring. I’m in a similar situation now. I’ve been dating a men for a few months that suffers from this problem.. He is exactly the kind of person I’ve always desired, he’s nice, inteligent, cares about me… He is conscious of having commitment phobia and started to get professional help, moreover he has made very big steps, I’ve stayed at his home for some days, he met my parents, we seemed a normal couple but then he panicked again. It’s the second time we kind of break up, he clearly tells me it is not my fault and that he loves me but he isn’t able to begin a real relationship… I know he is suffering a lot and I really want to help him to get over it , but it is begining to destroy me too… Has anyone been able to have a long and healthy relationship with a Cp? I don’t care if it takes a lot of time, I’m really willing to help him… But I’m afraid we won’t do it and it is just going to destroy me… Thank you.

  42. zahra
    July 22, 2014 | 5:25 pm

    hie. i am a commitment phobic and i am also so reserved.that is why i haven’t ever had that experience against any other person,because i rarely have relations with other people.but i have that issue about basically “every” work i start to do or any job i start. i mean i get to jobs,people appreciate my abilities to learn fast and to be helpful.but the minute i feel they are starting to “trust” me as a new staff or they are starting to count on me , i just freak out! and i disappear as if i had never been there.i am about 30,and i have no jobs.i am studying Artificial intelligence,but i hate it and i wanna quit it.although i loved it when i was starting it. but now i find myself completely unable to complete my projects. i am aware of this pattern in my life.i just don’t know how to solve it. and i am badly afraid of starting any other new job.and it is such a shame bcos i know i am talent and i have a lot of abilities…

  43. Jerry Ennis
    July 31, 2014 | 7:17 am

    Wow, described my behavior for the past 8 years. On again off again relationships. (Have been torturing one sweet soul in particular) who always comes back for more. I feel terrible.

    My parents though we’re seemingly happy for 49 years until my mother passed away and I was very much in love for 25 years until losing the love of my life to be east cancer.

    I thought I just haven’t met the right gal and I’ve used the excuse that I have “commitment issues” but I really wonder ..really want to break the mad cycle.

  44. blondie
    August 3, 2014 | 5:18 pm

    Wow this is so accurate. I am 28 and this article is my life… I’ll meet a great guy but as soon as they get too close I feel literally suffocated. I close up and find things wrong n pretty much run in the opposite direction. My family tell me I never let people in. I always tell them when I meet the right one it will be different… but I’m starting to wonder..?

  45. Tatyana
    August 21, 2014 | 12:10 am

    Thank you so much. This is exactly how was my ex bf. we date for 2,5 years we lived together he always talk about how much he loves me, wanna marry me and have a family. He was so sweet and good lover and I believed him. We tried to get pregnant but I could not. We went for ivf and in the middle of treatments he shocked me with a lies about tests we need and he never got them he betrayed me in the most horrible way! I’m 40 I am hurt and it’s still recovering form the pain he has cost me. but I am lucky bc I did not choose him with and his lies and I continue ifv on my own without him. I lost fake love and mentality ill person who lied about everything and hurt me this horrible way.
    But I have a future bc I’m pregnant and I will have something amazing in my life and him will never have a chance to be happy. I truly feel sorry for the next girl who will get play by his sweet horrible lies.

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