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F
e a t u r e A r t i c l e s
From
Slavery to Freedom
published in Vitality Magazine
What is
change? How do we achieve this illusive concept? How do we
master going beyond what we have been taught to do repeatedly either
because we saw it or because it was drilled in to us on pain of who knows
what? The thing I ask most readily when a client enters my office is
“ What is it that you choose to create by doing this work?” The client is
usually quick with a response. “I want to be happy”. Or “I want to change
my life”. “I want feel different than I feel now.” I often
will attempt to get a clear picture of where specifically my client
chooses to go with their intentions regarding these changes. But what I
always say in order to truly illuminate where this work (somatic-emotional
work) can indeed lead them is:
“Working
with the somatic emotional process is not about changing who you are. It
is about becoming more of who you are really. The authentic you before you
had to put an armoured barrier for protection. Before you underwent a
trauma that shocked you into abandoning your true being. Before you
convinced yourself for some reason or another that who you are really, is
not ok”.
Change
requires three main elements:
Willingness
to do whatever it takes to move into a shift.
Awareness
to see with clarity that which is truly going on. And
Courage
to face this sometimes immensely challenging process toward authenticity.
So often we carry
with us heavy baggage from another time, yet that baggage is what is often
running the show. We have become so very adept at working with this
baggage that we do not fully realize the cover up that is going on. But
usually this theatre is the very tool that at one time kept us very safe
and today sabotages all instinct to grow and step into our greatness. When
we look at what is really going on with awareness, we see that the mask
has two clear and distinct voices that seem to take over. One is the voice
of the hurt child. The other is that of the critical parent.
They both have seemingly very adult like characterizations. Upon careful
inspection, the two are actually coming from the desperate voice of the
child within. Both voices are acting in reaction to others. Giving up
their power. Causing us to make auto pilot choices. The result is living
life by default versus by choice.
Here are some of the traits of the Hurt Child voice:
-
The disease to please so
they can be liked.
-
Withdrawing from others
without letting them know.
-
Rebelliousness, temper tantrum (actually the hurt teenager stage)
-
Feeling the victim: “Why
me? Poor me?”
-
Fear based: panic, no
trust or faith in life
-
Emotional manipulations
based on guilting others into doing something for them
-
Taking people hostage with
emotional blackmail.
-
Falling
apart so someone will take care of them
-
Self-loathing. Low self-esteem. Has experienced lots of criticism growing
up.
-
Blaming others. Not taking responsibility for ones life, one’s own events.
-
Feelings of “I am not enough. I didn’t get enough.”
-
Focuses on the past.
Living in regret.
-
Not able to set clear boundaries. Allowing others invade their boundaries.
-
Feeling “Life is unfair.”
More
can be added to the list but I think the picture is fairly clear. When
any one of these traits is active or is motivating one’s response to life,
it usually means that the hurt child is running the show. And this means
that a 4 or 5 year old child is running your life.
The
critical parent on the other hand seems very mature, very adult like. But
in reality the critical parent has simply learned to dominate the
instincts of feeling powerlessness. The inferiority complex disguised in a
superiority complex outfit.
Here are some traits to recognize the Critical Parent voice:
-
Judgmental
-
My way or the highway
-
Inflexibility, rigidity
-
Focuses on “coulda, woulda, shoulda”
-
Ruled by the past but lives in the future.-Future worrying
-
Passive aggressive behaviours
-
Emotional manipulation through shaming and blaming others into doing it
their way.
-
Fear-based: panic, no trust or faith
-
Perfectionistic
-
Taking people hostage with emotional blackmail.
-
Bitter and ungrateful
disposition
-
Low self-esteem although looks outwardly like there is a huge ego
-
High expectations of others
-
No respect for clear boundaries, invading others
-
Righteousness
What
is evident about these two voices is that at one time or another we have
all embodied them. What is also interesting is that when a person takes
on the one voice, they are attracting others into their life that take on
the counterpart voice. So when the hurt child is present, this
automatically calls out like a beacon to a critical parent to come and
respond to the hurt child. And vice versa. I so often hear about the
belligerent boss invading the shy and fearful employee. Look around, it is
everywhere and shows up in various relationship dynamics. This is the
cycle, the unending symbiotic loop. One feeds on the other. They almost
seem to attract each other like magnets. Often this is the case, so they
can learn from each other. If awareness is present then the loop
can be broken and the learning can occur sooner than later. The shift from
blind repetition to learning the lessons at hand requires the three
elements I mentioned earlier: Awareness plus willingness, plus courage
equals change.
Once
the three elements are in place, there is only one way out of this back
and forth trap of these two mutually attracting archetypes. One needs to
find a way to step into one’s hero, one’s true self, one’s true authentic
being before they got hurt. The innate part of us that is unaltered if
found. That is the Balanced Adult voice.
Here are some clear traits of the Balanced Adult voice:
-
Non judgmental
-
Allowing people to be themselves.
-
Accepting of what is
-
Present day focussed
-
Trusts in the process of life. Has faith and trust.
-
Deals with adversity by seeing the larger picture. Asks: ”What is the
lesson for me here?” (I call this transcendence thinking)
-
Takes responsibility for one’s self in all aspects.
-
Draws clear boundaries and sticks to them.
-
Does not enable the hurt
child nor the critical parent in others.
-
Quiets the mind often and listens to one’ own divine guidance.
-
Honours the self. Listens to one’s own needs.
-
Is authentic
-
Has a focused, clear, laser beam intentions in life
-
Positive, buoyant attitude
-
Action vs. reaction oriented
-
Believes that life is supportive.
-
Grateful
To
step into this empowered adult voice does not happen over night. It is a
process. What is truly needed is for a deep, repetitive practice of
calling upon the balanced adult voice in us to come forward. We
need to parent ourselves with the balanced adult voice, into feeling safe
again to be our true authentic self. This is the only way to neutralize
the hurt child/critical parent loop/trap. The child needs to feel a
sense of hope again. This is the way for the child to stop wanting to
control and to stop wanting to run the show any more. The child gets to
relax and let the balanced adult manage the store. The critical parent
voice in us, also automatically tends to retreat once it feels that it is
not being threatened.
The
benefit to mastering this paralyzing loop can give one the gift of
movement from slavery to freedom. Freedom to pursue fearlessly ones
hopes and dreams without a sense of defeatism. Freedom to be one’s
authentic divine self, without a sense of stuckness. This is golden in the
process of overcoming trauma, shock and repetition/compulsion behaviours.
This allows us to move beyond the elements that limit our growth and bring
us in to healthy interrelationships with other people. To be free is to
allow ourselves the opportunity to step into our greatness and into our
authentic self. This, I believe, is our job on the planet.
Victoria Lorient-Faibish
MEd, CCC, RPP, RPE
Holistic Psychotherapist
Masters in Educational Psychology
Canadian Certified Counsellor
Registered Polarity Practitioner
Registered Polarity Educator
Reiki Master
New Decision Therapy
 Contact
Me
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