Compensating Childhood Behaviours: They May Not Be Needed Anymore!

June 18, 2009 – 6:57

Carrying an old role from your family dynamic into your adulthood may be blocking you from living in your authentic self. This can stunt growth and overall joy. The behaviour may have been useful to you in order to survive then but today it prevents you living a full life.

Tags: family  dynamics  childhood  authenticity  relationships  behaviour  selfhood  empowerment 

Today I would like to talk about compensating behaviours. We all have our family dynamics that we grew up in, and many of us engaged in compensating behaviours to survive. For example, someone who's constantly being the comedian, or the pleaser, or the chameleon, turning themselves into whatever environment they're in: all these types of behaviours are usually behaviours that we discovered as ways to gain favour with our family, ways not to upset our mothers or fathers. I notice that a lot of people, as a rule, don't really experience true authenticity, because they're still entrenched in childhood behaviours and roles that they have unconsciously maintained. These parts of ourselves that are constantly compensating, by being the comedian, or the chameleon, those things I spoke of earlier and I'm only speaking of three that I can think of right now (there are many compensating behaviours), I want you to ask yourself, “What compensating behaviour is still active, that I have taken on as a personality style and that I have inherited or brought forth from my childhood?”

(1:57) I heard an interesting story about Japanese soldiers in World War II, who had been fighting in the jungle and got separated from their troops, and ended up in different islands and caves for years after the war had ended. Many years later, some of these men unfortunately continued to act like the war was still on; they were shooting at the world defending Japan. The Japanese government apparently was very careful, many years later, they brought generals' uniforms out, approached them very carefully, saying, “Thank-you very much for your service to our country. Thank-you for everything you've done.” It took days and days, and finally they said, “The war is over actually, so you don't have to behave in this way anymore.”

(3:22) A lot of these compensating behaviours you brought forth from your childhood into adult life, these parts of you need to be grown up. Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater, if you're a comedian as a result of this! Keep your comedic timing and sense. If you have the ability to be a pleaser, this is a little bit difficult, because I see a lot of people-pleasers, trying to always please, please, please, so that they're not rejected or abandoned. Chameleons, you've got to watch that, because these are behaviours that work in some circumstances, but it's not going to be at all helpful to you if you completely change your personality in a chameleon-like way, based on the group you're in. People in your adult life are going to start asking, “What's this? Who's the real person here? Who's the authentic self?” And the person is  going to start asking, “Who am I really? What is my authentic being?” It's hard to say, “OK, I'm going to be my authentic self.” So one of the methodologies is to take a moment to commune with this part of you that is the compensating behaviour. You want to sit and meditate with this part and talk to it gently, just like that soldier was talked to, saying, “Thank-you so much for helping me to survive family, and life as a child, when I had no power and no say. Thank-you, but the reality is, that environment is not going on anymore, and now I want to try to live life as my authentic self.” I'm not going to say, “You're gone, you're finished, I'm done with you, part!” I'm going to bring my comedic part in, my pleaser part sometimes, my chameleon part sometimes, but I'm only going to bring it in from my toolbox when needed. I'm not just going to live unconsciously in this compensating behaviour all the time.

(5:35) This is the path to a much happier existence, because I have found that people who live authentically are much happier, and people who live their truth are much happier. I am sharing this with you for you to get a snapshot of what is actually going on with some of you, that you're not being your true selves, not because you're being fake, but because you had to survive the family environment as a kid with these compensating behaviours, and you don't necessarily have to do that now. Take a moment, make peace with that part, thank that part and tell it that there's a new environment now. Bring out the toolbox, and live your true self! Have a wonderful day.

Victoria Lorient-Faibish MEd, CCC, RPP, RPE
Holistic Psychotherapist
Masters in Educational Psychology
Canadian Certified Counsellor
Registered Polarity Practitioner
Registered Polarity Educator
Reiki Master
New Decision Therapy