Enabling Spouse with Social Anxiety

Today's I'm responding to an email I got from Tammy, whose husband Tom has major social anxiety. He has been requested seven times to do jury duty, and social anxiety has prevented him from taking care of this in a really clear way, which is what they request; they keep asking him for a medical note to say that he can't do it, and he hasn't followed through with it, and your fear, Tammy, is that he is going to go to jail. I understand your fear—this is major when you have a loved one who has a psychological situation, a disorder, that is preventing him from taking care of this situation in an adult way. You're really scared. But as I read through your letter, I'm seeing major codependence. He's still an adult, even though he has social anxiety. Any disorder that's out there, addiction, social anxiety, depression, if we're dealing with an adult, you need to say to Tom,  “There are consequences for this behaviour, and I cannot take care of them for you, you have to.” I want you to read a book by Melanie Beattie, “Codependence No More,” because it sounds like you are now owning Tom's issues, you are in them, you want to take care of Tom, over functioning where Tom is under functioning. And I fear with your over functioning, Tom will never function.

(1:57) As debilitating as social anxiety is, no matter what, he is an adult, and he is capable, believe it or not, of taking care of this business, and avoiding his own fate of going to jail—God forbid—if he doesn't respond appropriately to this request for jury duty. I want to encourage you to seek out codependence groups, or read codependence books, like “The 12 Steps to Overcoming Codependence,” also by Melanie Beattie, or anything by her, because I find that your entire life is losing its quality, its sense of okayness and joy, because your husband is so ensconced in an undealt-with social anxiety condition. Tammy, step back girl. Take stock of your own life. You've tried with Tom. It sounds like you love him dearly, and gosh Tom, you're lucky to have such a loving wife, but I fear that the whole boat will sink if you, Tammy, lose your sense of okayness, your sense of mental, emotional, spiritual, physical health, because you are trying to push a boulder up a hill, which is what Tom's condition is: social anxiety, undealt with. Pushing a boulder up a hill is going to crush anybody. Please Tammy, stop, halt, OK? Just halt and say, “Tom, my love, my dear, my sweet, you've got to deal with this, and you've got to bear the consequences if you do not deal with this. But I am not going to be taken down with you.” That is my best advice, and if you were in my office, that's what I'd tell you. Tammy, Tom, happy new year, email me and let me know how things are going.