Viewer Question: Why Are My Friends Always Letting Me Down?

July 31, 2007 – 4:14

Ask Victoria - A viewer wrote in asking about why his friends were always letting him down. Inappropriate expectations are usually the downfall of relationships. It is important to place friends in the right category.

Tags: relationships  friends  empowerment  expectations  psychotherapy  boundaries 

I got an email from a viewer, and he posed the question, “Why are my friends always letting me down?” He was telling me a story about an old, historic friend, who was consistently letting him down. He described how he sees a pattern: many of his friends disappointing him, and he just doesn't know why he keeps bringing that into his life. He's quite sad about it, and he's getting ready to amputate everyone, and live a safer, less friend-filled life. We'll call him AP.

(1:05) Listen, AP, I completely understand. Relationships, to be sure, are messy, and life is much more messy when you have different relationships, friends in it. The reality is, though, you've got to watch your expectations of friends. What category are you putting your friends into? Let me explain: there's an A category, a B category, and a C category. Make sure you're clear where you want to place your intimate friends. Your intimate, close friends, are few in number; they should be in your A category. These are people you could count on if you were down in any way. These are the most intimate people, and I'm really serious, one or two, maybe three if you're lucky. Your partner, your deepest, closest, bestest friend you would reveal every single one of your deepest darkest thoughts to: that is an A person. And with that come some certain expectations—realistic ones, of course—but they are certainly higher expectations than a C category person, which would be an acquaintance style person, someone you work with. You wouldn't have an A expectation of a C person, because it just wouldn't work. You would be constantly disappointed. Similarly, you would not have a C expectation of an A person, because that would also be incongruous.

(2:25) B people would be close people; you probably have more B people in your life. They're friends, but not as intimate, and you want to be very mindful about what category you're putting your friends in. You don't want to put them indiscriminately into the A category. You don't want to have high expectations of people you've just met, or of people who have shown themselves not to fulfill their ends of the bargain (e.g. they keep letting you down, they're not true to their word, they betray confidences). I'm not saying cut off or amputate, because let's face it, if you begin to amputate everyone in your life, you're going to live like an island later in life, alone as you get older. Unless there's abuse, I don't think amputation is an answer. But relegating that person to another category is another way to go; it's a less dramatic answer. It's not amputation, it's putting them in the proper category. You need to assess, take inventory of your friendships, and see where you put them. Do you have inappropriate expectations of people who are not that intimate with you? Often those are people who will disappoint you, if you've got unrealistic expectations.

Victoria Lorient-Faibish MEd, CCC, RPP, RPE
Holistic Psychotherapist
Masters in Educational Psychology
Canadian Certified Counsellor
Registered Polarity Practitioner
Registered Polarity Educator
Reiki Master
New Decision Therapy