Being Your Parent's Parent: Stop Now!

I'd like to answer a letter and question that I got from Veya about being her parent's parent.  She says, “Hi Victoria, my mother is profoundly ill and her attitude has ruined my youth. She talks in spirituality parables that tell you how to be perfect but she looks pitiful. She has no self-esteem; she doesn't know who she is, stuck in old patterns, unhappy, blindfolded. She had me when she was about to leave my father and told me I was an accident. She has since been giving me the responsibility for her unhappiness. She was jealous of  my talent and natural happiness. Me, I was telling her the truth about everything: how she was, how I felt, and she hated that. She was diminishing me to my family and friends, saying how she wasn't able to raise me because I was such a difficult child, or talking about my privacy in front of everybody. Today she has not changed—she does not respect my boundaries, and tries to make me fix problems she doesn't have the courage to solve. She'll bring it in in a manipulative way, so that I think it's for my good. She still is acting condescending and it insults me. She doesn't even see the adult I've become! When I tell her firmly to respect my boundaries, we fight and she ends up crying, and saying how much she suffers from how I am, that ruins our relationship. So, I tried to stop talking to her for two years. I thought, if she missed me, she would change, but she has not. Because of my childhood, I feel disconnected from my emotions. I spent all those years loving her without understanding she was hurting me. She was hurting me. And now I feel sorry for myself. How can I solace for the child that's inside, that feels she isn't worthy of love? How can I act today and have an OK relationship with her? How can I show everything how witty and strong I can be in front of her?

(2:03) Veya, I want to first acknowledge, that that must have been a really tough childhood, and your mother obviously has a lot of problems. She sounds like she's depressed, probably has some narcissistic personality disorder, maybe some borderline personality disorder. Anyway, the point being, you've had a life where you haven't felt loved, heard, seen, or wanted even, and you have felt manipulated, and I feel like have a really immense chord, black, strong, tar chord, connected between you, your solar plexus, and your mother, and even though you have made efforts not to see her, it seems that you have not really disconnected from her. Now I'm not saying that you amputate your mother, because after all she did give birth to you, but I am saying you do need to disconnect from her, in that I still sense quite a bit of approval-seeking on your part toward her, and that would be the first thing I would want you to work on: stop looking for approval from your mother. Your mother is never going to change. The reality is, people don't change unless they want to change, and unless they really work on changing themselves. And, by the way, even those people who work on changing themselves have trouble changing, so can you imagine someone who does not really want to change, and does not work on changing themselves? Your mother, Veya, will never change! She doesn't want to change. She has found some comfort, even though she looks like she's suffering all the time, in the way she is. So stop looking for approval from her. That's the first thing.

(3:35) Number two: I see that you have a dynamic, that you try to draw a boundary, and then she gets hurt, and she cries, and then she's the victim. The fight is lost, and the message that you are trying to relay to her is gone, because she is all in her victim place. So stop trying to correct her. Here it is: you can draw a boundary, but you are not responsible for her reaction. She will cry when you draw a boundary. She will play the victim when you try to tell her that this is enough, stop now, or correct her, or teach her something. But really you have no control over how it is that she is going to react. Try to disconnect from what she feels. Stop seeing yourself through her eyes, Veya. Because really, she doesn't see the true you. She sees something through her own distorted vision. And what she sees is her own dark side, unfortunately, in you, and I think you're correct that she's jealous that you're free, and musical, and beautiful. And she is just so in her suffering. She herself is a person who is probably inconsolable, and you need to stop trying to console her. Also, ask yourself, “Why do I want a relationship with this woman?” And there's probably one big answer: “Because she's my mother.” And that is very reasonable. But you need to shift entirely how you relate to her. I really want to give you some advice: If I'm being honest, the only way you need to see her, is maybe you need to see her once a month, for one hour, for a meal, that's it. Speak to her maybe once every couple of weeks to check in that she's alright. But make it in a very disciplined and short way. Back off, Veya—don't see her often, don't talk to her often, but keep a contact, because I think that you will suffer tremendously, maybe the guilt of not seeing your mother at all. So I don't want you to suffer from that, you don't need to suffer from that. Establish a disciplined pattern of seeing her that serves your needs—not her needs and wants, your needs and wants, so that you have a duality piece of seeing your mother, but not having her destroy you every time you see her.

(5:52) Also this whole thing about privacy, and her. Don't reveal your inner private information. If she doesn't have information, she's not going to share information with her friends about you. Clearly, the only way she's going to share private information is if you share with her those private, intimate pieces of information. Also, stop trying to teach her. The only real right you have is to tell her, back off, boundary setting, all that stuff, but really, don't teach people who don't want to be taught. The teacher appears when the student is ready. Your mother isn't ready to be taught, or to be shown. So stop trying to tell her how to do or what to do or not to do. Essentially, the only thing you need to do with her is to have that daughter experience of once month seeing her, every couple of weeks speaking to her, and that's it. And make it very disciplined and very short.

(6:52) Now, I get very concerned because it sounds to me that you really are still very damaged by this relationship. And that's why I'm very cautious in saying that maintaining a relationship with her is something that you need to do. Some people just can't, you need to take that time away, it sounds like you have. And keep recovering, keep getting stronger. But it sounds like time away hasn't helped either. So that's why I'm sort of suggesting this disciplined way of seeing your mother. Really work on completely cutting the chords of connection in which you seek approval from her, or you seek any kind of love and compassion from her. She's not capable of giving it to you; I don't think she's capable of giving it even to herself. So you need to stop picking cherries from that apple tree. Your mother's that apple tree, she can't give you cherries that you're looking for. I wish you lots good times in your life, and wonderful vibrations, and keep emailing me. I appreciate your letter Veya, and I'm sure the viewers will learn from it.